silver linings

I woke up this morning, the closest to depressed I think a Bartels woman gets, so I need to find the silver linings of today and my life… the whole unemployed thing has definitely lost it’s shine and  I received 2 slight scary medical letters that suddenly move an appointment in the end of September to next Monday, and phone consults to discuss blood test results … silver lining –  my mother & all sexual partners can breathe easy, it’s not sexual. I am a girl that always remembers poignant moments in my sexual health life – 1. KB always saying, “don’t box without your gloves” or “don’t forget your raincoat !” not to mention I am so fearful of ‘whoopsies !’ that I double-bag – pills for me, condoms for you. 2. KB coming to my bedroom door, me & my 2 bonafides liming about 14 years old… she just watched a movie, I want to say Philadelphia (fabulous movie!! bucket ah tears but oh such brilliant performances!! ) and she says to us unsuspecting youth “I feel sorry for your generation, you will never know what it is like to have a raw dick inside you. all these deadly diseases.” and with that she walks away, in typical mother fashion. My poor friends looked shell shocked but they soon came to love her ways and realise that was just the beginning. I tell you this woman cracks me up !! I just got an idea to write a post about her musings and ism’s, cause she all by herself is the most perfect entertainment. silver lining – my mother, I think of her and I smile.

After what I have no deemed to be truly the Worst British Summer I have experienced in my 10+ years, I wake up feel in shitty and of course as Bob said it best, “sun is shining…” silver lining I haven’t been outside yet so I don’t know if ‘the weather is sweet’. I don’t quite understand this feeling, I’ve never been here before, where I have no control, no grand master plan that needs immediate action. I’m just being, I don’t think I”m built to just be without some kind of definition. I guess this is the part of my journey, where I learn what I am truly made of, and if anyone tell me that shit about “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” – well I give you one long watery steups today. Normally I would say yeah I hear you is true but today, today I say

“God, right ! you & me need some words, I know that I am nowhere near my darkest days but I don’t see why you must try and see how far I can go, we all know by my life experiences that Yes ! I can handle much, and keep my shit together However right now, I really and truly don’t feel like proving I am superbionicwonder woman. I would just like the simple things that I need right now, which is some real sun – you being real disgusting with the stingyness of the sun this summer – and a job that I can start to build me new career upon. And Honestly, if you don’t want to feel my wrath, I suggest you at least get the sun going strong otherwise, you are sssooo gonna have to deal with a very angry possibly depressed Bartels Bishops Woman.. and buddy, I know YOU know that is not something you want to test. ” ooooo silver lining  ranting at God has made me feel lighter, and I haven’t even gone for my morning visit to the porcelain throne, so you know what, Thank Big G !! that was nice of you to listen. now please get to work. I like you a lot still, don’t worry.

Is times like this, those trying times that make you feel like you ready to go postal on furniture just to give that tension a lil release, it’s times like that I miss being in the next room or same country as my sister & my mother simply cause I could go apeshit on them for no reason, or jus have a chat with them and my day brightens.

it’s too early to call, so I’m just gonna start the day & see where it take me and hunt for all the silver linings.

bless. xoxo.