i don’t know if i am good friend, but this is how i do it…
what makes a good friend?… do you have faith in your foundations of friendship and listen to all the fables and haikus about friendship knowing no bounds and no conversation is too difficult for real friendship? knowing that we are all made different, think and feel different, raised different. is it something that you still take on faith and adhere to the how-to-have-a-good-friendship, where you can ask the hard questions and have a good shout match, a good cry and eventually make it back to why you are friends and want to stay that way… remember that fight that Carrie & Miranda had… i can’t quite remember about what, but it was on their valentine’s date. the point being is they didn’t talk for 3 days, Carrie kept calling Miranda ignored until eventually she answered and they talked it out and hugged it out. now what if Carrie didn’t speak her mind and Miranda didn’t have a reaction and that led to an apathetic approach to their friendship and by the end there was no Carrie & Miranda bringing in New Years together, with Carrie getting not the subway to Brooklyn in her pajamas and brilliant shoes on her toes! the final seasons of SATC would be very different.
i know i am an intense being, it’s because i was always taught that everything has a purpose and you do not take your relationships frivolously because they matter. i am a difficult friend to have but i do think that once we are; i am a good one, a loyal one and most importantly an honest one. i am that friend who will not let you leave the house looking bad, i want us both to look good. but how far do you take that? ask the difficult questions when they are making serious life decisions? does it make you a bad friend when you don’t and you take the stance that people have to learn their own lessons, or it may not really my business. i get that and i agree with that, to a point… but i think that the lessons will be learned regardless and the difference is in supporting that learning process. part of learning is being able to debate and grasp the finer rhymes & reasons behind a decision.
some say it is ‘confrontational’ but i think they use that word so incorrectly, confrontation suggests a negative or angered approach/intention, as seen in the dictionary … confrontational |ˌkɒnfrənˈteɪʃən(ə)l|adjectivetending to deal with situations in an aggressive way; hostile or argumentative:he distanced himself from the confrontational approach adopted by his predecessor. having a discussion that may not be ideal or what someone wants to hear is not confrontational but simply having the balls to have a slightly more difficult conversation than normal.
people may disagree with my prescription for friendship but i stand by it, because it is no different to a marriage where you are supposed to ask the difficult and be sure that your hubby and or wifey is making their decisions for the best reason and one that they will be confident in no matter the result or consequences.
i won’t feel like a good friend, if i didn’t ask the questions that others don’t, i actually wouldn’t be a friend but simply a ‘yes’ woman and well, i certainly am not that… i am a ‘try everything & ask the questions’ woman cause who knows what will be… what is to is, must is – right big sis, right daddy.
let me let the world know this… and give folks the opportunity to make the decision for themselves and be secure that they made an informed one as to if you want to be my friend or not.
being friends with me means…actually having any relationship with me means….
1. if i don’t like you, i won’t be your friend.
2. i will tell you if something bothers/annoys/impresses/excites/makes me smile – don’t try to assume you know how i feel because i won’t assume to know your thoughts and feelings.
3. following on from 2. because i lost my power of telepathy when i lost my virginity, i cannot simply know what you think/feel, so please share actually you need to share.
4. if you don’t share, we don’t grow and what is the point of having a stagnant friendship, don’t bother to call my phone or wish me greetings, you can just leave it to Facebook.
5. i will endeavour to be as considerate as i can about your feelings as i hope you do for me, but the reality is, i cannot be anyone other than myself. so if you don’t like me please feel free to no longer be my friend.
6. i take friends seriously because they are the family i choose and that is vital to our relationship we all know we have family members that we are forced to endure or actually change direction when we see them coming our way or suddenly find something super important to do on our phone.
7. there are different types of friendships and that is fine, some are supposed to be encounter the full emotional rainbow others only 1/2, 1/4, 1/8, 1/16, if we get to 1/32 – i’m calling it.
8. any friends that i meet in future will never replace those from the beginnings – nicholai, ayanna, my sister, marie, court, kari or drew – but i will still treat you like you have a chance…
always & forever, all experience.
9. if we fight, it doesn’t meant I am not your friend, it means that my 1st choice is to talk it out no matter how uncomfortable it may be, because @ least then we know if we are friends or if we shouldn’t be.
10. for me in any relationship, having a fight is a sign, a very very positive one. that we are not afraid of each other, that we actually care & consider each other, that if we get to the other side means that we will be better for it having learnt something new and that to me is so worth it.
it is worth having a difficult conversation, it is worth asking the hard questions, it is worth speaking about something you may not want to because that is what makes us friends & chose each other … the fact that we experience human emotion with each other and create memories with that. we experience what it means to make connections and grow with each other. we experience what it means to have someone who genuinely supports you even if they don’t agree with you and they are not afraid to let you know that.
all the experience makes you human, a good human. a human worth knowing. it makes you the best person you could be & a memorable one @ that. a friend worth having.
i say it, believe it and practice this …
i would rather have loved, laughed, sexed and fought openly and lost, than be forgettable.
bless.
xoxo.
