on a grey rainy lovely easter sunday

so today is a beautiful day ! i love great rainy days to begin with, and then i woke up early to head off to my monthly brunch with bestie, mr hume.. home to a warm bed to watch a movie &  kill time before all you can eat dim sum dinner with the cousin, ms. dee dee, back to home with the gay hubby, mr. scott for another movie. in between, just received emails, that my uncle just realised hadn’t been sent, on my dad’s passing. dad has been haunting me all week, since i saw captain america last saturday – fyi : sam l. jackson looks just like my daddy. but these emails sent me for the bottle of red and remind me of how lucky i have been in my life being surrounded by great men. i’m a lucky lucky girl. another dude who has been haunting me recently is my friend, who we shall call St.Joseph – christened thus with his input for his pseudonym because it was the first & only place we did the nasty… and a good nasty it was !!

eeewww ! that was gross … i just realised that i discussed a boy i had sex with in the same paragraph as my daddy, i think i am being cured of my grief and really embracing the whole ‘life goes on’ thing… maybe???

anyway, its done now… ssssoooo st. joseph… fitting that i am using a name with saint in it on a holy holiday – such a good catholic i am! this boy i met a long time ago, we met in a isolated situation that meant our friendship continued in such a vein. we have many mutual friends yet they have no idea that he & i are great friends. he is actually my onliest, longest running pen pal. see, we have always lived in different countries, first him in trinidad – me in new york, then he & i briefly in new york, but he claims “i was too busy being cool with all my dancer people and being a new yorker to take him on”, i say “no, you just didn’t actually make contact, so how the hell was i to know to link you.”, now him in new york – me in london. this is how we go… we spend years and hours on the phone going back & forth as to whose fault it is that it took us about 10 years to act on our supposed sexual chemistry which i didn’t know we had until he told me and then not be able to follow through with the fact that we enjoy each other, make each other laugh and possibly a great match for an envious relationship.

i mean this dude …  we have had so many good times together but they have been over the phone, and the odd visit when he came to london, then bbm and now whatsapp… we would see each at home for carnival, take great pictures, take a real nice wine, lime with our separate groups of friends and get on our respective planes to our separate land masses. as time goes on and we stay far apart, our friendship grows and deepens. it is funny when you realise you know someone for a very long time but then realise cause we don’t spend time in each other’s presence we don’t necessarily actually know each other. what is your favourite drink? colour? sunday event? food? music? we spent a couple months recently playing 20 questions, back and forth getting to know each other, more; having week long conversations. they made me realise, i think this dude is ace, and reiterated that i am so very glad that we are friends.

but we made trouble for ourselves…. one christmas in ’08 we spent the evening in a newly opened, ‘place to be’ bar ‘where all the cool kids were’ at home – the corner bar; standing back to back & talking to our respective groups of friends, bbming each other the entire night – he bbmed, ‘follow me’ we said our good byes to our friends, none of them having any idea that we knew each other this well. we got into our separate cars and i followed, i followed him to st.joseph and to our first and only adult intimate night. a night that i know we both think about, and have been wanting to replicate. so much so that a naughty new york trip was to be in order. but as much as i would like to, there are things that make me hesitant. hesitant enough to call it off – the naughty new york trip that is, not the friendship.

1. we are people that have had a long friendship that has an intense undercurrent that has been festering for at least 15 years. sounds dangerous.

2. that could lead to feelings being caught, cause we already have  foundation of liking each other as people and liking each other as sex objects … & well hell then we are in shit street. that would make our lovely fuss-free relationship that only goes as far as ‘weiner’ pics, ass & boob shots and some dirty text way more complicated.

3. i actually really like this special space that we encompass – that only we know about, that only we enjoy, that is only ours. that most of our friends don’t know exists or how close we actually are.

i don’t want to mess up a friendship that has lasted over years …of seas, of land mass, of silence, of bbm, whatsapp & text, of 1 night of beautiful sex, of more promised and unfilled sex, of the only birthday phone call on the shittiest birthday ever that made me genuinely laugh & smile, of boyfriends/girlfriends, of not liking each others friends but liking each other only & most importantly… of the idea that there is someone out there that i could possibly love more if given the opportunity but still love without it; it feels very close to unconditional, it exists regardless of many obstacles.

i love that i he is in my life, cares about me and loves me (willingly types it) for me, with all my flaws and we simply just enjoy each other. so i won’t put this one in danger – this friendship that makes me laugh, this one makes me look forward to catching up about absolutely nothing, this one i miss at times, this one that willingly has the same enjoyable disagreement with me over and over and over.

this one is the best time i’ve ever had in st.joseph.

bless. xoxo.