happy birthday daddy! shitty happy birthday me…

they don’t tell you everything… when your parent dies, they forget to tell you about the moments… they definitely don’t tell you about the moment you have if you share a birthday with said parent.

I was born on my father’s 30th birthday, a birthday that is steeped in social tradition for being a Big one. a birthday that is a milestone, and my daddy had 2… he turned 30 and had his 2nd daughter.

they don’t tell you when they pass that every birthday after his death will be a shitty one.

i’ve just spent the hour leading up to our birthday – crying. i feel like i’ve been crying for the past 3 months and 5 days straight. it’s the moments…. they drive you mad. they don’t tell you of those things. i guess because this is so unique for everyone, that no guide or handbook can be given. i’ve been dreading this moment since i realised that April 2nd was going to happen at some point; there was no getting away from it.

I am so blessed that my bestie, from another mother that we both miss everyday  – yanns called me at 11:51pm, to say Happy Birthday. she was 9 mins early but right on time. it feels so good to be able to talk to someone who just gets it, understands it, and allows you to not make excuses for it. because i have to admit, i do feel a bit silly, cause everyone does lose their parents.; i am not the only 1. so i do just need to deal, but she reminded me of something very important “i have a get out of jail free card” i make no excuses for it either.

i miss my daddy, lots and bad. and i don’t make any excuses for it. 

i jus spent the 1st hour of my birthday on the phone with my yanns, and i could not have asked for anything better. it reminds me of the people i have in my life, my london bestie, drew, gave me a beautiful album of pics he clearly stole from my Facebook of my family. and yanns called me and brought it in with me. i feel loved. and i am so grateful.

but you know what… my daddy is going to be happy today and every birthday that we share. i spent the hour leading up to our birthday, sitting on my back stoop drinking red wine in my underwear (it reminds me of my daddy 🙂 ) and talking to daddy. simply talking to dad; reminding him that i love him; we love him always and we will always miss him dearly; reminding him that he has no excuse or is not excused for leaving us especially mom. he has no excuse for being the lucky one & moving onto the good stuff before us. but i guess his excuse is that he left behind, a great family – one that was loved by him, one that loves each other devoutly and unconditionally, and the love that surrounds us. but most importantly that I am lucky to have had him be my dad, and i wouldn’t have it any other way.

our birthday, April 2nd. marks a day in my calendar year that will always be the epitome of the word bittersweet. it will always be that day that i remember my daddy fondly and think of our love and how he called me ‘meh lover’. it marks a day that no one will ever be able to make ‘ok’. it is the day that i hope everyone understands that i am not interested in anything you have for me and want to do for me.

so as i finish this wine; i drink to the best man i’ve ever known. before i take my last shower at 32.

i love you daddy always & forever. 

i have no idea what birthday this was for us. but clearly we were having a good time !!

bless. xoxo.