lazy saturday

so i woke up this morning to cloudy london skies and rain and i SMILED… a big big cheshire cat grin… cause all i could think about is the fact that I had not one plan for today … my day was to be spent doing diddly squat… sitting/lieing in my bed, watching tv & movies and considering the long process that is washing my hair (did I mention that the ladies excuse for not going out with a dude “I’m washing my hair” is not an excuse or a lie, it does take a long ass time when you are maintaining the hair you are given by God) … I am looking forward to today. These are the things that I am still not quite used to and will never take for granted… these things called weekends are brilliant… do what i wish with them and bend with the wind….

I know I should use it and do things, and I have been, but I need to do cultural things… take my ass to a museum, maybe I’ll do that tomorrow before I meet drew for dinner & a movie. But for today, I am going to do nothing… absolutely nothing, because it is important to do that and to take stock of all the good, bad and indifferent things.

I started doing that last night. I took stock of the fact that I thought about some of the people that I once had intense connection with and the fact that I may not have made recent contact with, so I did. The oil man, who recently we have had random moments of connection but still is inevitably himself; my baby boyfriend, who last few times we spoke annoyed me so I gave him lots of distance; my young lover, who – well our story is rather complicated and way to much to go into but will enter into my ‘man’ series – even though we don’t have much connection or anything anymore is still someone I shared intense intense memorable times; Big Head, who I keep in regular contact with, he & I have a rather interesting friendship one that is platonically (is that a word !?!??)  extremely sexual.

So last night after I left a my co-workers after a drunken evening of after work TGIF drinks, I was thinking about love& loss, I’ve been thinking about it a lot since Aaron passed. I tried & made contact with all of the above, simply because I was thinking about my beautiful baby brother and have realised that it is not wise for me to not keep the contact with people as they can truly leave without meaning to. It felt good to make contact and to feel connected to people, it feels good to know that distance is unimportant & they are all distant, it feels great to know that no matter what happens memories and history trump distance and time, or maybe because there is always love there.

I have never believed in leaving my relationships badly, none of them, i tell a lie – there are the rare 2 that were inevitably going to end badly but most of them are salvageable. All relationships come from something real and honest, and it can always come back to that if both parties can connect to that original feeling. It is a warming feeling to have that reciprocated and they respond even though time has passed. I remember why I choose the way I live, of not necessarily committing to a relationship but always loving hard – it is the only way I know how, it is the way my mother raised me; knowing that the tangible relationship is not forever but the intangible memories and love is. Maybe that is what makes me that girl that so many other girls do not befriend or always accuse of wanting their man. It hurts and amazes me at the number of incidents where those untruths and accusations occur, but over the many years, I get that it is something I must accept and absorb and put the hurt aside in one fell smile and sashay of my hips as I walk away. I get that I cannot change who I am, nor can I become that girl that is in a committed relationship just to placate, not for the dudes or the external girls that are affected, I simply cannot grasp that concept of a relationship just cause. If there is no amazing blinding passion, I will inevitably grow bored and will become the cheating jezebel and resentment will develop where love and admiration once lived. So I accept that I will always be that girl who other girls look at with hate, even though they have no reason, I will always be that girl that men want to get close to but could never marry, I will always be that girl who may not ever give her parents biological grandchildren but will be the best daughter I could be and they will be the best grandparents to children of cousins and extended family, I will always be that girl that my past men will look at from a distance in the future when we pass by & they have a beautiful knowing smile that will always warm my heart because I know that I did nothing wrong other than share honestly. I am that girl, and I realise the older  I get the more I embrace and love it, but am not attached to it and if the right soul comes into my space and makes that girl different then so be it.

I got this whatsapp message this morning, from a dude I know vaguely, went on one date with 2 weeks ago, and am yet to let him know when the other will be. But I find it hard to get involved with someone I don’t have immediate chemistry with, it all feels too forced. It didn’t come about naturally, I mean he actually asked me out on a  date !! I don’t do that. I don’t really get into ‘ask on a date’ I do, hey you cool, lets grab a drink – that will be after a very random meeting and crazy chemistry, but this came from a business meeting and a phone conversation & various sightings at public events. When he asked, I thought don’t be limited and closed, be open say yes, go on said date and be open to receive. I was and I received not much, but he is a nice enough guy, just not interesting enough to me for me.

But he did send this beautiful whatsapp that made me think… He gets me. which means I should probably consider giving him another shot, but I don’t think I will he is definitely in the friend-zone, I go with my gut and that matters to me. But he wrote something that warmed my heart and made me smile that same smile I had this morning when I woke up on this grey rainy London morning – my favourite kinda day – and knew that I had a cosy day ahead of watching movies, reading, having eggs and bacon for breakfast and drinking chocolate baileys.

                                   … C’est moi…

ZARA

Arrogant is not it..Difficult maybe. Easygoing is that it, emotionally sexy.She mixes with all sorts, perfect mix of oil and water.
She attacks everyday with a Cobra-like lunge, her venom gives life.
She nourishes her minions daily. Her
Phone becomes a nine inch knife.

That smile can Jekyll you warmly but
Hyde her true intentions.
Accomplished somewhat, maybe wise.
She’s mature but not yet self- actualised.

She gives a lot but leaves you with little.
Not her fault, well not completely.
Cannot be owned so why try, will leave you feeling somewhat brittle.

Why is it we seek an end result when life can just be as sweet knowing these berries😄

Not bad huh ?!?!? I feel rather special.

bless. xoxo