life, death, rising & every day after that
So, I haven’t been on here in a good while. I have valid reasons – I promise. I didn’t know what to say, where to say it, how to say it..obviously from my last post, I have lost someone very near & dear to me, rather unexpectedly. It followed my bonafide losing her mother 2 weeks prior very unexpectedly & continued with the loss of a great Trinidadian photographer & then my young cousin – the month of mid July – mid August, which is now known as “caution be ware !! death occurs in this time” is finally over !! done and dusted….
But I haven’t been able to write mainly because I have been way to scared to open the floodgates that may lead to a radioactive moment and create the fallout of all fallouts that anyone in my paths at either of my jobs may cause me to be charged with grievous bodily harm – and then my mother would get on a plane to london and severely kick my ass… So for that reason, I decided to keep quiet, and maintain an order with my emotional runaway train that has been going on in my head and heart. But now that we have laid Aaron to rest, I feel like it might be ok… ok to just ‘raise yuh hand and lehh ggggooooo’
There is life and death. Then there is the rising – it’s when you get to the point of having a good day, good day considering that there are moments when you are not sure, if you gonna cry or scream but it just takes you so suddenly that you just crumple up your face, close your eyes and breathe through it. The rising is the hardest part, because you feel like you should be able to pick up and move forward, cause forward ever backward never – right! but those damn memories that come and haunt you, they surprise you – make the forward ever difficult. So I realised that for me to really deal with this loss, as I did over a decade ago, when I lost another very much loved one to a car accident as well, I had to find that talisman that will keep the memories close enough that they don’t surprise me. So I was walking aimlessly around on my lunch break and I came across these beautiful gems.. that everyday I can look at and keep the memories close so they don’t jump out and scare me.
the bracelets jingle all the time, so Aaron is always on my mind and the rings catch the sunlight as I type at my desk. It may be odd to some that constantly being reminded of my loved one is comforting, but it is has brought me such solace, knowing that I don’t have to be concerned about having a moment of emotional distress, if I hear a song, or a see something that he would love or wear one of his tee-shirts because the jingle jangle keeps him near all the time.
My talisman also take care of that guilt trip that I find myself on sometimes – the one where you realise you haven’t had a passing thought of the loss, and you laughed hard, saw a beautiful sunset, felt the touch of another human, took a really nice long hot shower – all those things that make you feel alive… Sometimes the guilt that your loved one is not doing those things can really wrap you in a knot, but at least the constant reminders of Aaron remind me that he is there… and to be honest, that dirty boy doesn’t mind being in the room when I’m with another man !!
But the most important part of all of this… is that he will never leave and will always be with me, just like granny Phillips, basil, trot, john and darren. They are all with me in little ways… & will continue to guide me on my journey, and let me tell you 2013 is proving to be one serious rollercoaster of a year (but I wouldn’t have it any other way)
bless. xoxo.
