End of the Oil Boom…

so I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while, the original idea for this blog was with the intention of talking about my shoes and the men in my life. And I’ve been sticking … really sticking because the 1st person I want to write about is the last person I want to write about and admit my weakness. But I feel like if I don’t start with him, I definitely won’t be able to end with him and then I will never even mention any of the original ideas for the blog. Or maybe I have realised that if I write about it I will close that door that I may not want to be closed but as time passes and efforts made are completely shut down. I realise whole heartedly that – this is done, so now I write about it.

There was once a dude named Oil Man, who was conservative yet interesting. He met this chick, who lived in Londontown and jus lived, no hardcore plans, behaved as an adult should but never really cared for an adult relationship. She was perfectly happy to chill out and have fun with dudes, that she didn’t want to stay, so she rarely even mentioned them to the people in her life. Why? cause she simply knew that she would only really introduce and speak about a dude that she woulda shacked up with, her family matter to her and a dude who wasn’t gonna be around didn’t need to be in their space … especially after the random silly boys that wanted to “love” her in her youth. But she met oil man and within 2 hours of meeting, they connected cause she saw a pair of empty hands and needed them to cut the beads near her va-jay-jay from her carnival costume, she didn’t even remember his face.  Carnival Monday & Tuesday went in a blur of winery and alcohol, and ridiculous amounts of smiles and loud ass singing… and she returned to her lovely flat in Londontown, content that she had a brilliant 3 weeks at home and didn’t care who or what happened in her wake, forward ever backward never. She had a time, and it was time to return to dealing with the madness in the mouse house.

So that was my cute lead up… now for the real talk… It is all a blur, I actually don’t know how we ended up being facebook friends, skype buddies and phone numbers exchanged, but we did. And the conversations ensued… I would easily say, that I had some of the best conversations of my life with the oil man. It all was too brilliant, he made me laugh, he made me think, he made me angry, he made me cry, he made me infuriated but most of all he affected me. Affected me more than I can ever imagine, a lot more than I realised until I started writing this. Even though, I have had boyfriends in the past, even though I may have been loved, and I remain friends with all the ‘ex-s’ – not one of them has made me actually WANT them to stay in my life forever and ever and ever….

I didn’t even see this coming, I totally didn’t expect me to want that with oil man he is the only person I ever considered how good it would be to continue having these conversations for a really long time. For a long time, we did have those conversations, and I got to know a very layered man. He has so many layers it’s unbelievable, I mean I am layered myself but I am way more straight up and easy to peel than he is. I mean I get being guarded, I am supremely guarded but there comes a time when you should feel safe with someone, and safe in the knowledge that you are a sensible adult, who can try and enjoy life and allow yourself to be real and feel and just explore. But after years, and I mean more years than I have ever invested in a person, trips across the bloody ocean and the majority of the United States of America. The Oil Man is exactly as his industry. There are ridiculous amounts of good that oil can do but the nature of the industry means shit is done from a selfish core. Where the barrels run the intentions of humans and there is no room for genuine emotion to be involved or to grow.

Now, I wanted to actually get his side of our saga. And it is our saga, cause we went up, down & around emotions, or maybe I did, and to him I was that unattainable chick that is aloof and not in his world, that he challenged himself to conquer. And he did, I will put my hands up and say he did, but always and forever I will in the long game, prefer my facebook status to be unforgettable  rather than in a relationship. It’s just always been my way. We had the most brilliant times, or at least I did, I had memorable times and conversations and the many sleepless nights that I had where I would come home from the mouse house after ridiculous a day and  spend literally 8 hours on skype or the phone and saw the sun rise, talking about nothing and everything. Those were the conversations that I will remember fondly on my rocking chair, on my hermit mountain. The depth and breadth of our chemistry was intangible, the stupidity of the things that stitched our never ending stories together are way too good to even able to put into words… and I can honestly say that I think for the first time in my life, i fell in love.  complete unconditional honest passionate love. little did I know it was prolly fully one-sided, now I know… it’s amazing how my brain ticks, I have tried many a time over the last 4 years, to walk away from him. I am normally very good at walking away… my Nico, calls it the soca switch  cause I have always had the ability to decide I’m done and be very done, like the person or thing never existed and any experience we shared had no weighting. But I couldn’t I couldn’t walk away from the immense amazing-ness that I could see in our new days that was simply begging to be explored… time zones & distance were not an issue, we kicked their ass from our first conversation, enjoying each other’s time wasn’t an issue, intimacy definitely wasn’t an issue, the only issue that existed is that he didn’t see what I saw. he didn’t want to tell the world that their definitions of relationships mean nothing to him, because it’s mine so I will decide how it will work. he didn’t want to be brave with me. he didn’t want to realise that there is a very very big life with intense love waiting for him. he didn’t want to see how successful he was already and that making room in his life for experiences didn’t mean he wouldn’t succeed in his career. In the end, it simply comes down to – he didn’t want to see it with me. 

That was hard, that part was real hard to accept because of my natural reaction to not having relationships. The first person that I wanted to do that with didn’t want to oblige me, and in many ways I am spoilt, I have been blessed enough to get everything I have ever wanted, this was the 1st thing I genuinely wanted that I didn’t get. I sit and write and I cry at the fact that the amazing love, that unconditional passionate all encompassing enviable get completely lost in our own world love will never come to fruition. The world will never get to see the beauty that we could have had, all because it takes 2 to want it, 2 to fight for it and 2 to treasure it. But last night, this 1 truly left it behind.

This post has been haunting me for a while and even though I started my removal earlier this year. I wasn’t done, how could I be done when every time we actually did exchange words, they were still so easy and natural, I mean this is what I fell for, his words. I hadn’t written the post and I was wondering why, and I realised that it was because there were prolly gonna be a lot of WE’s in the text & I wanted to know if the experience was mutual. I tried to contact, and it was pointless, he would give some kind of ember to flicker to flame that I could actually have this conversation with him, my foray into journalism you know get all the sides of the story, and so I tried one last time during our time, the witching hours, when londontown is asleep except for me. The most infuriating thing he has ever done occurred and it was opened me up and allowed me to write this. I am seasoned at him not answering his phone or replying to a message and that didn’t bug me generally cause that is how I would be when I am busy and my free time coincided with his work time, but this time, this time was different he knew that I wanted to have a conversation, what about he would find out. So when I call and you know you can’t talk, how bout you do what your normally do and don’t answer the damn phone… only for it to be clear that you occupied and can’t talk, and yes !! i am toting, but more importantly it was just that simple action that made me decide to write, with amendment on the WE cause well to be honest, I think it was mainly me that felt and cared and loved and enjoyed and wanted.

but now, The Oil Man is a man who had no idea how brilliant he could be, how sweet his life could be, how loved he would be, he is simply remembered whenever I hear the 2 songs that make me think of him, but I will smile, because I know he isn’t a good actor so he couldn’t have faked it all. So even though, I leave it all behind and continue enjoying my return to my non-committal ways. I still hold him dear, and still look forward to one day having a brief friendly catch up just as the first time we met. And I turn my back and walk away to get on the plane back to Londontown.

So I will look at that picture we took 2 hours after meeting, that I don’t even remember being taken, but when you look at it, it shows the great possibility of the unattainable love that most people want. and I will remember it fondly and with love, cause that is what it gave me taste of… now to see if I could ever find it as a 2.

bless. xoxo