sharing is caring.

I jus had the most hot & steamy & long shower. so much so that I had to open the door when I was done to cream my skin cause I was sweating. It was such a good good shower, and my mind was rambling, rambling, rambling. I had so many random thoughts only a few caught my attention but so many of them just passed right by me and into the steamy abyss. The ones that I remember most are normally the ones I write in my journal, but using an actual pen to paper kills my wrists… I used to write in my journal cause I was scared that I would forget how to write & I actually like my handwriting but now age has gotten to my wrists and my digits and my phalanges feel a bit stressed by it all. so I type now, and it takes a lil longer for my wrists to hurt.

I digressed from my point, but now I return, LAWD aye !! I digress often and I miss my person who used to say that remind that I digress … I really miss him this weekend.. oooohhh bloody ‘ell !! there I go again. right the point of this post, is I questioned myself … after being told today by someone totally unexpected that they read my blog ( and enjoyed it might I add!! totes chuffed !) It didn’t occur to me that when I posted my posts to my other social media that people would read it… so I asked my self –

“Self, y are you writing a blog instead of in your journal & y are you posting it to your social media?”

my self replied, “that is a bloody good question, bess turn up the hot water this could be a long shower.” I also asked myself,

“Self, for someone who doesn’t like people you are sharing quite a lot, & being quite a juxtaposition or a jusxtaposit (I jus coined that word) if not a hypocrite.”

and I simply replied, “well Self, sharing is caring, and that is the crux of this whole discourse, you don’t like people and you are guarded as rass, cause you care.”

I know that we as humans are always supposed to care, but I talk about this with big sis often, why do we get frustrated by people, why do people say we are intense, why do people call us difficult. I realise it’s because we have always been surrounded by fierce loyalty, our mother is loyal to a fault, and our father is committed to his choices also to a fault. SO we Bartels girls, have an issue we are over communicative cause we are very specific creatures because we care. I care that life is too short, and too much rubbish occurs due to misunderstanding, or miscommunication so I rather not waste time and creating pleasant memories with having to undo misread words. Ssssooo that is not the nature of the human, the human will always think whatever it wants regardless of how clear the communicator may be, and to this end this causes me to be very guarded with people who I haven’t spent enough time with, because it takes time to get where I am coming from, it takes time to understand that my words are very very rarely used for harm, and if they do you will hear a very distinct Trini accent and definite expletives (bee-tee-dubs, defo my words of choice, i Love the fact that they can upset people for no reason when in reality they are simply adverbs, like any other adverb that resides in Webster’s or Oxford, people don’t listen to the other very large advanced words that insult you in so many ways with just one word, simply because you added a lil please jump to the next line if you don’t want to read expletives     shit, ass, fuck or my favourite – cunt )

hahahaha another digression … back to it, So I end up being rather guarded, and chose to spend time with those who either connect with my immediately, or those that interest me enough for me to take my time and keep getting to know you. I know that this may not be the choice of the majority some may say it is yes dare I say the word difficult  but it is the way I choose and I like. I think it does definitely help sift the waste ah time folks from those that will stick around and treasure my loyalty, I can promise you that the journey from thinking “this girl is a bitch” to the place where you say, “who Zara!?!? she is a real pussy cat.” will be entertaining, cause you will prolly wonder why the hell do you bother, but that day when you realise why and we are friends, we will both be rewarded . It also gives me a great variety of friends, friends that are all very special, and in sharing with each other we make each other bigger, better and brighter. That is the way I choose and I have to say – I like it. I really really really like it, cause so far so really good, I sometimes feel really bad for people who don’t have my circle of friends, cause they don’t know the cool kids.

But most importantly, I started blogging for simple reasons, I left my job and finished my Master’s so I now have more time on my hands. I wanted to communicate with people but not have to deal with stupidity so I write here and if you don’t want to hear it or read it, it’s your choice, so our choices are fully ours. You don’t have to feel like I am affecting your life with my so-called attitude, and I don’t have to deal with your inability to not see beyond the obvious. And it has been fun learning how to embed links from the big sis, and hearing that people enjoy my thoughts, and also it’s gonna be my way to say things to people that I prolly won’t be able to otherwise. OOOOOOO And also this amazing thought just came to me, if I ever have children, and definitely my munchkins, Soleil & Xavi, will be able to read this in the crazy future, and maybe by then it will be in the form of a holograph and they could see me tell them these words.

I need to let people know that as I type this I am watching a movie with Dakota Fanning and a british cast, Dakota is doing an amazingly well British accent for an American, we all know how shiite they are @ accents, see Don Cheadle in the Ocean’s trilogy. This movie is called Now is Good. and it is absolutely BEAUTIFUL ! I am loving it, it is touching me heart, me heart is hurting, and I’m struggling not to cry at every scene. It is reminding me to always remember to live and do what I always say, LOVE. HARD. WALK. GOOD. I am smiling real hard, I’m remembering my day, today was a good day, I enjoyed every minute of it,from the time I woke to this time where I type and will sleep. These simple things are the things that make me so very happy that I am able to appreciate these simple things. that I have all my senses and capabilities, to type, to read, to listen & watch the movie, and to bbm with my baby boyfriend. OH my baby boyfriend, how much i love him. he has been around for so long now, I don’t quite know what I would do without him in my life, we have such great memories, he makes me laugh so hard sometimes. He is the person that I have spent so much time doing nothing with, he makes me feel loved cause he loves me so very hard and will not allow me to forget it and he doesn’t receive reward in kind, jus in simple easy difficult friendship and he is happy and gracious and rude about it. But one thing i know he is present in my life, and I love that.

OK… this post is getting long, and I don’t want to digress any more, I’ll leave my digressions for other posts. and I’m going to post this picture of me, because this post was about me. and I like pictures, they are captured memories that you don’t have to worry about forgetting cause they are there.

bless.xoxo.